The wall came down today. I made myself vulnerable. It felt like someone hit me straight in the heart. Bulls-eye.
"It sounds like you need to cry" my therapist said this morning.
And I did while she sat there and tried to grapple all of my grief.
"I may not believe in g-d, but I definitely believe in miracles. And airbags, especially airbags"
-fbook status as of 12-25-09
My mom, dad, and younger sister were all on our way to see a movie. We were running late, my dad was speeding, he hit a patch of ice and we rumbled/tumbled/got tossed down 20-30 feet into a ditch. I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. No one has any significant injuries and we are all o-k in that regard. I think emotionally we are still reeling from it.
I don't want to die young.
Like, the future is scary. Getting older is terrifying. But I would rather experience the future with ALL of it's good and bad than not to experience it at all.
And when I think about all of the dozen of 'what-if' scenarios, my heart breaks. I get anxious when I flesh out those situations.
What if both my parents had died?
What if Emily and I had died?
What if I had died?
What if I was the only survivor?
How would I be now, three days later, emotionally, if that had happened?
I don't know. Probably a wreck.
What if we all died and Laura had to find out that her entire family had died in a car accident on Christmas while she was overseas?
"So what do your first 19 years mean now?" she inquired.
"Well that I've experienced an inappropriate amount of trauma in those two decades but it has helped me better understand who I am as an individual person...I see the good within the bad"
I want to live.
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