one day you will be the face of a stranger

'I love you but I don't know how to love you'

you were sitting on the edge of the grey couch. You had been crying on-and-off for the past two hours in your bedroom and I had been listening to your gentle weeping from the living room. I was crying too, but not as often as I would be a few months from now. This was when I still had to force myself to feel. I only had a hollow heartbeat. An empty brain. I couldn't form words. All I knew was that it hurt and I didn't want it to hurt anymore.

We watched the cats run from the kitchen to the hallway, temporarily distracted by their tiny claws digging into the rug. They had moved with us to this house, and had adjusted much better than we thought they would. There was plenty of room to explore. I thought of how they were no longer 'ours'. They would have to be re-homed now.

'I haven't been myself' I uttered. Already knowing that you knew that, but wanting to say it again. My family was falling apart. My parents were separated, almost officially divorced. I didn't know how my family would function moving forward, what it would look like, what it would feel like. For so long, my parents, my family, was what I relied and depended on when I talked about my strength. They were so goddamn strong. They had been through everything. They had endured so much. And now, it wasn't the same family anymore. I didn't know what made me strong.

your face was in your hands now, fingers pushing away the tears. I didn't know if I could touch you. I never saw us ending like this. I never saw us ending. There isn't a single person on the face of the planet who knows me like how you know me. Now you're a practical stranger who just happens to know everything about me.

I don't know where you are now. I used to be able to read your mind. We would speak in sync. So many inside jokes, shared stories, and common dream. Now it's like when you turn the radio on and all you hear is static. I don't know if I would be able to recognize your voice. You're long gone now.

I don't know how to love you, because I don't know if I still do.