Midsummer night

(i always intend to write an actual update but then I just want to post poetry)
(I will be doing both because I'm self-involved, obviously)
(the two pieces are not related)



I used to keep my heart
Frozen in the dark lockers of my
Battered meat locker chest

An abused organ that got used to little
A slab so bloody no one could eat it
A taste so bold no one could bruise it

I never meant to tempt you lover,
But my heart hit a new pulse,
found a new flutter
The day you entered through that bedroom door
And I swear that there is no greater gift

Then your heart being warm.
Then your chest, breathing
Being a nest
full of birds learning how to sing

But the song of our love was a short one
Sung from young swallows
Who never ate red meat

Tell me, if you could be any bird
what would you be?

If you could be the pilot
Of your feelings, know the trajectory of
how to maneuver your heart
Would you take the shortest path?

------

It’s assuring to know that change is coming. That this time in the next two to six weeks I will have a few things happening, simultaneously:

-a dear friend will be coming back into my life. Albeit a brief visit home, I will capitalize on the time I am offered in her presence. I cherish her so preciously that she is almost something of a dream, a magnificent story with a beautiful face. I am so excited to see her that my bones creak when I think of how I haven’t hugged her bones in awhile. This has been the longest period in our friendship that we have gone without seeing each other. It’s been so fucking hard. When I see her I will most certainly stare at her face; searching to see the miles she’s travelled. Following the laughing highways of her smile up to the eyes filled with stories that I am eager to hear. But I know that her experiences are also mine, her success is my success. After I came out of the closet (a sudden but obvious affair) she had said ‘I was so happy for you molly, your happiness was mine. I am just as proud of you as you are of yourself’

I fucking fell apart when she said that. Our experiences are shared. When she is in pain, I am in pain. She is apart of me that is as distinct as DNA. I am so curious to see where her life brings her that I can’t be envious. I know I am with her wherever she goes.

I have needed her level head and logical heart, taking her advice over anyone else’s. She speaks so simply, so rationally, that one is a fool to disagree with her.

-The second event will be something that now feels like an annual event. I will be packing up my belongings and moving out of my two addresses (my Rochester home, one east Minneapolis residence) to my third place of residence while being a student. It’s a pocket of an apartment located in a quiet neighborhood in uptown Minneapolis. I am looking forward to this change of locale. Getting out of the university bubble will be like a breathe of fresh air, not constantly being surrounded and hustled like you would by the people near or on campus. I will be living with my baby sister, a built-in friend and blood connection. But this finally feels like ‘mine’ and that I have control over this situation. It is what you make it. I am feeling good about this.

Also, school is coming up. I miss my role as a student, both socially and academically. Being a student has always given me a feeling of self-worth and self-purpose. I know that I am doing something with my time and energy. Motivation had never been something I took for granted. To capture that energy is rare and hard-pressed to last long.

I still feel like I’m meeting dozens of new people every semester, extending my social webs in every corner of the university. I see no reason why my relationships should not evolve and grow with time. I also cannot deny the group of radical people I have met (either through plain luck or fortunate fate) in the past six months who have opened up my new social doors. Just when I thought that there was little to offer, I am surrounded by talent and beauty.