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Sunday, October 25, 2009

"what a treasure you have found"

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it was going to. Or rather, my expectations of pain were high. I think everything is going to hurt. Clipping my fingernails hurt, brushing my hair hurts. Sometimes getting up in the morning hurts. Not physically, but the hurt you feel when you know that you can't push the clock back and sleep for five more minutes. The final alarm, on my snooze alarm is off. But the four words etched with ink across my bicep did not hurt. As it got closer to my armpit the feeling was definitely heightened, I clutched your hand and breathed deep, knowing that I should not, could not, look like a fool. But the scars on your palm proved otherwise. But the second it was over, I wanted to do it again. "Sex is like a tattoo", I said, "it hurts, but I want to do it again" And everyone laughed and I felt clever. My humor has always been my strong suit.
It means "day of my life" in french. It is my mother's family motto. I guess 'we' came over with the Mayflower. I guess I'm a descendant of the first governor of Virginia. Not like any of that matters. Those ancestral connections mean nothing. I prefer to draw my own conclusions of why the West family would choose "Jour de ma Vie" as the motto. The long version means "the most glorious day of my life". Talk about poetic. What could possibly happen in one day that it would make it so glorious? I'm guessing it's metaphorical, so I can draw my own conclusion.
So I see it as this. Every moment of every single day is building. Every day of your life is building some sort of unit of experience. Whether you know it or not, you do really learn something every day. About yourself, your surroundings, the people around you. You learn how to treat people, how to communicate with people, how to empathize with other people. How to treat yourself. How to communicate with yourself. How to sympathize with yourself. Everything I have learned in life has only been one day at a time. Day of My life. Today, October 25th, is a day of my life. That I can never get back. That will never come back. No one on this godforsaken planet had the exact identical day that I had, and no one ever will. Doesn't mean I have to live like today is my last. That would be impossible. You can't live every day of your life like it's your last. It's exhausting to exert that much energy into every day. It means I should respect today. Respect the moment I am living in. Knowing this moment won't come back. Of course, being respectful all the time is also exhausting. It demands a seriousness that can suck the joy out of any day. So the moments you can find for yourself, alone by yourself, are enough. This song will never come on the radio again. today. So drive, and wait to hear it again at a different time, a different day.

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